Santa, A Word Please?

DECEMBER 17, 2004 BY SUSAN J

Hi Santa,

It’s me, Susan. I know it’s not Christmas yet, but if you recall, I put in a request for a career as a DJ a little while ago. Yeah, well, the situation has become a little bit more critical. See, I went on Amazon.com this morning. I was in a mild self-hating mood and that’s always the first place I turn! Anyway, as usual, the site didn’t fail me. There was yet another diatribe posted by yet another non-admirer. This one was a Sue Burton from Utah. Here are some highlights from her one star review:

“The best parts of the book are the author’s bio and a few sparsely scattered funny one-liners such as “our haircuts cost almost as much as our car.”

“I only made it to page thirty. This slow moving book still is going nowhere and is filled with weird, sick people–not quirky people, sick ones.”

“This book moves at a snail’s pace and is just plain weird. I have no idea where the author is planning to go with this story and I don’t care to stick around and find out.”

“I hope the author realizes that there are more than two careers out there. Barring fashion design and writing, maybe she can find something else to do.”

Response: Hey Sue! Thanks for not making it personal!

Well Santa, looks like it’s in your court to hurry up with that DJ thing. According to Sue Burton we don’t have any time to waste! Also, please put an explanation in my stocking of why it is that I get plenty of nice letters but the really hostile people feel like they have to get on Amazon to share their bile with the world. I’ve learned my lesson, Santa. After this I promise never to look on Amazon again. In future, I will peruse my own cellulite when I’m in the mood for self-flagellation. Finally, please send Ms. Burton a large lump of coal and credit it to my account.

Thanks S., see you on the evening of the 24th!

FILED UNDER: DEFIES CATEGORIZATION